Today is a day that music will save me. Make me weak, tears come down, rob my emotions, and the only thing that saves me is writing and music. I'm not giving up on what I believe. I will never give up on the things I am passionate about or things I care about, but sometimes people get put in situations. Situations where they are defenseless or didn't mean it or said apology after apology and meant it. Situations where you have to push pause on that fact that you care so much because you don't know what will happen or the other person needs time or something along those lines. Some people are harder to read more than others, and the ones you can't figure out... those are the special ones. Those are the ones you shouldn't let go. These are the people that will teach you something about life or show you a new feeling, a new experience... hopefully it's a good one. Let them drive you nuts in a good way. They will always keep you on your feet and boggle your mind.
I had a boyfriend that cheated on me once... dick move, I know. The worst part about it was that he had a child, and I got attached to that child. Dumb move on my part. He literally tore me apart with lie after lie to a point I could no longer trust anyone. The best part about it was that I found out on FACEBOOK! A friend wrote it on a friends wall purposely so I could apparently see it. But overall, this made it hard for me to trust anyone, even my family and friends. When you tell someone you like them or love them, that's a type of responsibility. If you say it back, it goes on both ends. It's both peoples job (more like an honor, I feel) to make sure they don't ruin that, build it, cherish it, love it, show one another the thought and care for each other. You build a bond... a special trust, a special relationship! One that makes you melt on the inside, gets ya giggling, or excited every time you see that person, haha. Now when one of those people isn't up for that responsibility, why play with the other ones emotions? Something I never understood with a cheater.
Anyway, it took me a solid two years to be able to like someone completely again. I still dated, but I never wanted anything serious for the fact. I needed time to let that heal. I needed to find that person that I can completely trust, 100%. I moved on from my ex no problem, but that feeling is beyond hell. So I feel when you find someone again, they should know about this... know the jam you went through because it's part of you. You can find someone new and trust them, but you had these people in your past that just ruined so much... shattered your self-esteem, shattered your confidence. It makes people bitter about future possibilities... it did with me for TWO YEARS! Haha. One thing to note though is to never compare your new people with your exes. Everyone is different. So you may have healed a lot and triggered your confidence back up with time, which I did. I know I will never deal with that shit again, and I got my groove back. Puts a smile on my face to finally say that, like wow, I have my confidence back! I felt it was 6 ft underground for a while, haha. You just gotta remember to take care of yourself and be the person you should be. Don't walk around with that damn chip on your shoulder... only scares future possibilities.
So, after telling your new person this stuff you have experienced in your past, and maybe they experienced something similar in their life, I feel as if they should be a little more understanding. I mean if you are just crazy and do random shit all the time that shows you cannot be trusted or shows you have major trust issues or little secrets, then clearly you are not ready to be in a relationship. Your person should want to show you why you should trust them and vice versa. If you really dig someone, you would do anything for them, right? Trust and communication are two key things in a relationship afterall.
I can proudly say, for the first time in 2 years, a fucking mile stone walk, that I am ready to be in a relationship again. In fact, I've never been this ready. Scares the shit out of me. All the possibilities of getting hurt, and I am willing to take it... willing to do whatever it takes to make it work... because he is totally worth it and I dig him more than anything. I am willing to take this risk (yes, there is a certain guy in my mind, and i think he is spectacular, haha).
But, here's the main thing, I may have gotten that confidence back, but there is this little tiny piece in me that still gets scared that some other chick will come along or he will get bored with me. I know I'm not perfect. I know I cannot promise anything nor promise I won't be a dumb chick at times. But I know I do have a damn big heart and am one amazing person, and want to show this, share it, and care for you. I know I can make it work with this person. When stupid shit happens, I just need like a slap in the face, or a hey, what are you doing... like a reminder that I'm just being silly. I feel at this level with another person they should be understanding, not get mad. Relationships take time and work. Eventually that whole nonsense will even disappear. "The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." -Chinese Proverb
So now I dig this person. I trust him 100%. The most I have ever trusted anyone. I can tell him anything. I'm not scared to be myself. This is a good sign. I'm so unbelievably happy with him. He's so nice and laid back... just what I need. He's not a douchebag. We could go slow and take ages to get to wherever, not rush, and for once I'd be okay with that... But, I may have ruined this because I got that scared girl in me. I wasn't trying to find anything. I believe everything he says. I just had one of those moments where it was like what if another girl comes along that's cuter. It's dumb. I just wish I had an actual night, just him and me, where we can learn these things and new things. Develop. I don't want to lose him over something so silly on my part. I made a mistake. I hope he is aware. I hope he is aware I am not trying to catch him doing something. I just want it to all work out. I miss him. I will give him space... I just hope it's not forever.
It's just my luck I find someone I want to be with after two years of recovering, and I fuck it up. Ugh.
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